6 Tips to Put the “Sexy” Back into Your Sex Life

A hot sex life in a long-term relationship isn’t always easy- you’ve got to work for it. But it can be fun along the way!

Sex in the beginning of a relationship can be a mix of steamy newness and  spontaneity. Then we become familiar, in a routine & that’s when you need to keep the sizzle from fizzling. Many couples I work with fear that great sex is gone for good or not worth it if they have to work on it. The thing is, long-term relationships require effort to thrive. Here’s 6 tips that’ll help you be the sexy couple you want to be:

1.) Take care of yourself- mentally, physically & emotionally

Sex is better when both people feel good about themselves. Find ways to take care of yourself on a daily basis. When you feel good about yourself you’re in a healthier space in your own mind, giving you more ability to be more available to your partner. Exercise, eat healthy, enjoy spending time with friends/family and be mindful of your emotional health- and seek therapy if you could benefit from it.

2.) Get Naked- Emotionally

Be honest with one another about what your needs are, and be willing to listen to each other with openness. If you’ve been wanting to change it up in the bedroom but have been too scared to talk about it, chances are your partner has to. Start by telling them what you want (not what you don’t like about what they do) and then move into a conversation about how to make it happen. Been thinking about wanting to try a new position or focus more on foreplay? Say something- and when they suggest something back listen and negotiate a sexy new plan!

3.) Get Naked- Really!

Self-consciousness & hiding your beautiful bodies can take the fun out of sex. Clients have reported to me that finding a way to be comfortable in your skin has been one of the biggest boosts to their sex lives. Feeling awesome about the way you look is one of the sexiest things you can do to turn you & your partner on. Before engaging in intimacy figure out when you feel sexiest. Is it fresh out of the shower- shaved & naked, partially clothed or in his shirt? Go with whatever makes you feel confident & that confidence will transform your sex into a more pleasurable experience.

4.) Never stop dating your partner

Do you remember when you first began dating your spouse/partner and all of the butterfly-in-the-stomach feelings you’d get in anticipation? You can still have those, you just may have to work a little bit at it. Life can get busy but making time to connect with your spouse outside of the home on a regular basis can give your relationship bursts of energy needed to keep it wonderful. Take turns planning a date night at least once a month (the more the better!) and really focus on enjoying that time together. It’ll keep those butterflies fluttering!

5.) Schedule in Sexy Time

Most of the couples I see tell me they want to have sex more often but struggle with prioritizing and making it happen. We can all let our relationship slip to the bottom of our list, but putting it at the top keeps it strong. Have a conversation with your spouse about how often you each want to have sex each week. Negotiate  & make a plan- schedule it in & put it on the calendar! Sex doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be good, in fact, when both partners know it’s scheduled you’ll both be prepared for fun.

6.) Don’t focus just on the “O”

Sure it’s great when we experience the big “O” but don’t let it dictate your whole sexual experience. Having a goal to feel connected with your partner will lead to better sex than aiming for mind-blowing orgasms. Fill your sexual bookshelf full of different kinds of interactions (slow and sensual, new positions/toys, quick to release tension, drawn-out with multiple orgasms) and take each one down off the shelf routinely! Allow yourself to enjoy each sexual experience you share with your partner for what it is in that moment.

So there you go- 6 things you & your partner can do to keep you sex life hot. Try one out (or a few) and have some fun! Your sex life doesn’t have to be boring, but it does take some effort to keep it hot.

I am a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist practicing in the Lake Norman area of North Carolina. I enjoy working with people on improving their lives, relationships and feeling all around more mentally healthy.

Michelle A Coomes MA, LMFT    704-237-0814

http://www.creativeinsightpsychotherapy.com

MichelleC.therapy@gmail.com

One thought on “6 Tips to Put the “Sexy” Back into Your Sex Life

  1. “5.) Schedule in Sexy Time” – So many people feel this takes the romance and spontaneity out of sex without really considering that sex is rarely spontaneous and really planned on a short-term basis. If you are planning and hoping for sex on the weekend when the kids are gone, why not take the chance factor out of it and pick the time frame, however unspecific? If you know you are absolutely going to have sex, how much better is that than only hoping and living with anxiety instead of anticipation over it? For men, they know they are going to have sex X times and when, and for wives they can plan their mental “to do” list around it and avoid the mental clutter that and distract them and inhibit their libido and mood

    6.) “Don’t focus just on the ‘O’ “- Especially as we get older and loose sensitivity and responsiveness or find ourselves taking particular medications causing the BIG O to be elusive and unreliable for both spouses. We need to broaden our sensual horizons to discover or develop areas that may have been overlooked or bypassed in the past while pressing in toward the big O. Sex and sexual pleasure isn’t found only with direct contact with penis and vulva/clitoris/vagina and neither should it be focused only there.

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